Josh (conro) wrote,

Terra Branford

I don't know if it's a symptom of depression or the fact I just feel so jaded but I have no desire to be in a relationship at all.

That being said, I do crave affection and attention but I just have no burning desire to go through the throws of dating, discovery and all the other garbage it takes to finally date someone. I crave affection, I just don't really have a specific target I crave it from. So long as I find them interesting and attractive, I tend not to give a fuck if they disappear the next day (because they always do).

I've become extremely selective in what I'm looking for in a partner as well, so much so I think it doesn't exist and I'm deluding myself.

I spent a lot of time in relationships that did nothing to benefit myself. I dated losers, projects, liars, drunks and drug addicts.
I helped balance check books, put people on the pathway to school, boost others self esteem, correct papers, help plan projects. Hell I even supported quite a few people on what meager earnings I brought home. I feel like it was almost a selfless act because I never really got much in return, besides the realization that everything major I've wanted in my life I had to get myself without the assistance of a 'lover'.

Maybe that's why I'm in no rush to find anyone, why people who take an interest in me put me off and why I've become so damn selective in what I'm looking for.

All they really ever seemed to do was offer a distraction from my own life because I'd just be absorbed into theirs. Besides maybe three guys I've dated, I've mostly done what someone else has wanted to do, hung out with their friends etc.
Being cheated on, breaking up: they were always terrible because it meant I had to go back inside my own head.

No one really gets to see or talk to the real me. It's just that persona I enjoy putting in public. That persona is a part of me but it's not entirely me.
I rarely wax political the way I'd like. I hardly if ever talk about gaming with guys who could be potential dating material.

Most guys don't seem to give a shit about the things I do, and if they do I generally don't find them physically pleasing.
If they do seem to hit both, there's usually some other underlying issue, be it psychological, career, school, money etc.

Maybe I'm just jaded.
I have my ideas what I want but I won't find it.
I refuse to just settle like I have time and time again.

Despite all this, I've been in a pretty chipper mood since January.

I remember what love felt like once; not just the love for ones close friends and family members either.
I guess I'm writing this because I'm afraid I'm not going to experience that ever again.
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