Josh (conro) wrote,

Shit year recap

I think I've done this every year for a while now.
Thanks to Adderall and the fact that I have nothing to do, here's what a horrible year looks like in twelve (or so) paragraphs! I'm basing this solely off what I wrote in entries in my LiveJournal, be they private or public. A lot of them are private entries but I still feel like I should include them.

I start the year out feeling horrible. "Love" (or 'hooray someone who wants to bang more than once') is found and lost and I realize what I'm looking for doesn't exist unless I can clone myself. I realize I hinge forgetting about depression on finding someone fix everything but that doesn't exist either.
I begin another semester at Millersville.
I start talking to Tony again because I'm a sucker for drama.

Drama drama drama but it's all for the lulz.

I'm guessing I was drunk all month because I never made a post.

I write down the meaning behind my tattoo and why I chose to finally get it. I write about my increasing anxiety and depression.
I start to come to terms with the fucked up shit I can do when I'm in manic states. My life doesn't really seem to upset me anyway, like I've become numb to a lot of shit.

I start dating an incredible guy and my brain and body instantly ruin it.
I total the car I worked hard to get a 0% interest rate on that was going to be paid off in a year. I recklessly lost control of my Cobalt and spun 180 degrees across three lanes of traffic, coming to a stop when the back of my vehicle hit the center road divider.
When I get home I can't even really cry. I tear up a bit when I call my parents and brother who are few hundred miles away, but that's about it.
Incredible guy sees my text/call when he gets off work and comforts me. I end up sleeping for a while.
My memory is notably beginning to deteriorate.
Suicidal thoughts increase.
I finish school and despite having my ass kicked by a Constitutional Law course taught by the best Professor I've ever had I pass all my classes (1 A, 2 B, 1 C).
The suicidal thoughts I hadn't felt since November of last year return.

I start dating Andrew, despite everything in my brain telling me that all I'm going to do is completely ruin the relationship and a friendship. We make it official while in Ocean City together with a few of his friends. I generally had a really good time with him and met some really great people.
I try to set goals to frequent the gym more often and try to find a job.
I work at Haydn Zugs for a week and realize I hate fine dining and people put in charge who drink on the job.
I'm able to buy the car I now make payments on, despite my lack of a job.

My brain begins to ruin things with Andrew.
Andrew and I decide it'd be better to just be friends.
I think my private entries during 2011 at this point have included " I'm too fucking smart/poor to resort to drugs and alcohol" a hundred times. It's pretty sad though. Addicts get to dump all their problems on everyone else. I just carry my problems on my own shoulders and feel horrible anytime someone gets involved.
I hit the lowest I've ever been at that point in my life when it comes to poverty.
My suicidal thoughts increase.

I start my current job at Ruby Tuesday's as a server thanks to my friend Scott.
Outside of work I slip further and further away from what it feels like to be a human.
I document what's bothering me mentally and physically: constant pressure in my head, persistent fatigue, anger issues, negativity, lack of interest in anything, the inability to actually relate with most people.
I begin another semester at Millersville.
I start talking to Mike.

I didn't write anything here but...
My birthday didn't feel too important and I mostly slept through it.
My depression worsens to a point where I no longer feel sad about things: I just feel apathetic.
The evolution in my condition, especially at home, does cause concern at times about my schoolwork.
My suicidal thoughts increase.

One entry dedicated to the realization of what my life is and what its become that devolves into an angry rant. I give up.
I remember how I used to feel when I was human. I don't know if I'm really ever going to feel like that again and it pisses me off.
My manic states cause me to do a lot of fucked up shit that I'm still not sure how I haven't had something horrible result from it. I'm becoming less and less in control of myself when I'm manic.
I begin taking Celexa for depression. While it worked to balance my thoughts it also tended to numb me a little to any kind of feeling, good or bad. While I hate my fits of anger, they tended to be my only connection feeling like a person because I could at least attach an emotion to something happening to me.
The sexual side effects of Celexa are grossly apparent. They're kinda great at first, then kind of funny, and then just excruciating. I remember when I used to enjoy sex. It's been a long time since I could say I had sustained satisfaction in the act. As of now it's highly situational. I feel like a goddamned female.
My suicidal thoughts increase.

My mind and memory further cloud. Schoolwork is next to impossible to complete and my focus while in classes is lower than it was while I was in high school.
I realize I need help but I can't afford it. I can't do this on my own but I can't get help either.
I reflect on the seven deadly sins we all carry and how my brain has successfully killed all but two.
I stop taking Celexa because I can't take what it was doing to me. Just before I stop taking it I go to the doctor to talk about my condition and get prescribed Adderall XR 20mg. I try to fill the prescription but realize my lack of insurance prices it at $180 for the generic. I give up trying to get better for a while.
My suicidal thoughts increase.

I go back to the doctor on the advice of a friend to get a prescription for the non-extended release version of Adderall. After a pointless visit to the doctor to get the prescription, I get a thirty day supply for $39.
I feel the most guilty I've ever been when it comes to my relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I feel as if I can't ask them for anything else after all they've done for me.
I publicly come out (here at least) that the only thought that went through my head during my car accident was "it's finally over".
I write what may be the most clear, thought out description of my thoughts and life thanks to Adderall. Writing it doesn't make me sad but it did feel like a bit of a weight off my shoulder putting what I carry with me every day out in a public forum.
I end up just worrying a lot of people.
My Adderall prescription focuses me to the point where I feel I could get shit done. I haven't really had an actual reason to be taking it (schoolwork, a real job) but when I'm taking it I feel more focus and determination. The kind of shit I had years ago.

In all I'm not happy.
The only thing that got me through this year are the incredible people I know. They're what connect me to humanity and who I value. It's when I'm around them I get to experience how I used to feel, how I used to be.
My brain does a pretty good job at trying to push everyone away. It's when I actually leave the house and reconnect that I can forget about everything.
Forgetting won't change things though and my attempts to change things either make no dent or just make matters worse.

I just don't know what to do, where to go.

Thanks for reading.
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