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[09 Jul 2013|12:50am]
I feel like I'm wasting my time in a lot of things in my life and I'm powerless to do anything about it.
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[10 May 2013|03:04am]
I need a place to record ideas, and well, what better place than here.

I really want a sleeve tattoo. Thinking of ending it at my elbow to start but I'll probably extend from there depending on a professional career.

I want to include characters and objects from video games I loved as I was growing up, since they kept me distracted and sane throughout my otherwise fuuuucking terrible childhood.

So far I know I want to include...
Okami - Okami (Game is too beautiful not to be on me!)
Locke - Final Fantasy 6 (Absolutely loved his story)
Celes - Final Fantasy 6 (Ties in with Locke, her story is brilliant too though)
Crono - Chrono Trigger ('Conro' comes from me thinking that's how his named was spelled when I was a kid. Derp)
Starman - Earthbound (Iconic enemy from the game)
Giygas - Earthbound (I used to have dreams as a kid I could manipulate him for my own doing like Pokey did)
Hero & Sprite - Secret of Mana (My brother and I used to play this game together all the time, though he probably hated me micromanaging his spell use)
Delita - Final Fantasy Tactics (His story of a commoner rising up to to fight the manipulative nobility is amazing)
Buster Sword - Final Fantasy 7 (Icon of Cloud, but I don't think I want his spikey headed ass on my arm)
Rubicante - Final Fantasy 4 (Total gentleman, even in the heat of battle)

Other ideas...
Final Fantasy 9 - Vivi or one of the Black Waltz enemies
NexusTK - I played the damn game for close to 12 years, figured I should give it an honorable mention. I might just do my main character, Conro
Triforce - I'll probably get this put else where

I wish I had the talent to draw something out... but I lack that. :(
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[17 Feb 2013|11:11pm]
I miss love.
I miss drive.
I miss focus.
I miss passion.
I miss dealing with things.
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[22 Dec 2012|03:09am]
I can't remember a time I was happy for an extended period of time (meaning, more than just a few hours out of a specific day).

I'm walling myself off more and more. I find myself leaving the house less often. I talk to friends less. I avoid going out.
I see people who are constantly in the company of others and it makes me wonder.
Wonder if that's normal.
Wonder if I'm normal.
Wonder what's wrong with me.

I feel constantly irate and angry all the time. I look around me and I don't see anything that lightens up my day or just makes me smile for no reason other than just to smile.
When I'm not angry I'm insecure, dodgy and doubting.
I can barely make a difference in the state of where I live. It makes me feel like I'll never make a difference outside of here.

I keep telling myself come January hopefully things will change. I'll have insurance. I can see a professional. I can stop bitching about my problems to my friends and having them constantly worry about me (and then stop talking to them entirely because I don't want to burden or worry them more).

Like everything else in my life, I'm scared of what the answer actually could be and I keep avoiding and putting off anything that requires more than a moments thought.

I haven't talked to anyone official about trying to go back to school. I don't even know where to begin. I feel lost. I'm scared I can't go back.

Financially I've tried to blind myself to what's going on. I stick to cash for everything I have right now and get by.
I should feel shame for what I'm doing at this point but I've become so numb to everything that it doesn't even bother me.

I keep this record mostly because I still have hope that one day I can look back at this and say it's what helped me forge myself into a better person.
I go through it from time to time to see how much worse my condition has become and how my happiness has basically dwindled to nothing.

This entire year has been me living a lie to avoid having another break down similar to this time last year.
It's working for now but it's fucking up my future.

I miss happiness. I know I felt it before which is why I feel this emptiness in my head and heart when I think about the fact I'm lacking it.
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[18 Dec 2012|03:48am]
Why do others happiness kill me so?
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[04 Dec 2012|03:19am]
I want to scream at the top of my lungs at my parents.

This house is a shit hole.

Rooms have become storage areas or just total chaos.
Dishes are piled sky high and never done.
I can't see, let along use, a single counter top to prepare anything or set anything down.
I can't eat at a table without having to clear shit off the chairs and table top.
You can't move at all in our office area because it's so full of shit.
Every carpet and piece of furniture besides in my room and my brothers smells like dog piss.
Their bedroom is a haven for puppy pads and smells so fucking bad I have to keep my door closed at all times.
When my door is closed, air doesn't circulate and it gets to be so unbearably hot in my room.

The dogs run the show. They piss and shit where they want. They get treats for merely existing. The don't listen. They bark all the time.

I'm tired of it.
It's embarrassing.
It causes my issues with rage to hit the breaking point much sooner than if they hadn't existed.

Ever since they just let their lives go to shit and stop caring it's dragged me down with them.
I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of always being pissed off.
I'm sick of home not being a haven from the outside world.
I'm sick of this place causing me such anxiety that I can't focus on anything, especially school work.

I'm sick of being too poor to support myself but 'too rich' to get assistance.

I want to scream.
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[05 Oct 2012|02:06am]
I miss being able to see a doctor.

Now all I do is self diagnose, worry, and wall myself off.

It's a chemical imbalance. I'm willing to bet it's a hormonal issue as well.
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[17 Sep 2012|01:16am]
The upswings in my condition make me really appreciate the amazing friends and acquaintances I've come to know.

Hell, I even love my job during these times.

Most of all I think I like how my social anxiety seems to go away for a bit and I tend to open up a little more.

I just wish I could make every day like the past few: glad to wake up, happy to be where I am.
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[18 Aug 2012|03:26am]
By no fault of their own, I feel like no one really knows my story.
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[10 Aug 2012|12:21am]
I miss determination.
I miss drive.
I miss goal setting.
I miss waking up with purpose.
I miss actually being happy.
I miss entertainment for it's face value and not as an escape.

It's getting harder and harder to be alone with myself and my thoughts.
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It's just a game [05 Jul 2012|05:26am]
Living with depression is like playing a game set to the hardest mode with zero lives, but instead of seeing it as a challenge, you decide to just put the controller down and stop trying.

Only occasionally do you power on and find the games been set to 'Very Easy' difficulty: mania following depression. You pick up the controller and everything seems so ridiculously easy that you're on the top of the world, and nothing you do will result in any consequences. You wonder why you thought it was so hard to begin with.

Mania only works so long and it almost always nets you in worse trouble than you were in before and you're forced to start at the beginning of the level all over again.

Depression for me is like powering on a game every day and wondering whether or not I'll try a play through. The same thought is always at the back of my mind though: you'll never reach the end of the stage, so what's the point in any of it?

I keep going, for reasons unknown to me. I tried to turn it off once before but like any gamer I guess I just couldn't resist the urge to fire up another game.
I just hope one day I can master at least one level and finally have some sort of control.
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[03 Jun 2012|10:23pm]
I think I've become more flighty in my life because any time I try to anchor myself to anything it ends up being some awful tale to tell for another day or another incredibly embarrassing failure I'd rather not share.

I like watching chaos, I don't think living it is for me, though.
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Terra Branford [29 Mar 2012|02:11am]
I don't know if it's a symptom of depression or the fact I just feel so jaded but I have no desire to be in a relationship at all.

That being said, I do crave affection and attention but I just have no burning desire to go through the throws of dating, discovery and all the other garbage it takes to finally date someone. I crave affection, I just don't really have a specific target I crave it from. So long as I find them interesting and attractive, I tend not to give a fuck if they disappear the next day (because they always do).

I've become extremely selective in what I'm looking for in a partner as well, so much so I think it doesn't exist and I'm deluding myself.

I spent a lot of time in relationships that did nothing to benefit myself. I dated losers, projects, liars, drunks and drug addicts.
I helped balance check books, put people on the pathway to school, boost others self esteem, correct papers, help plan projects. Hell I even supported quite a few people on what meager earnings I brought home. I feel like it was almost a selfless act because I never really got much in return, besides the realization that everything major I've wanted in my life I had to get myself without the assistance of a 'lover'.

Maybe that's why I'm in no rush to find anyone, why people who take an interest in me put me off and why I've become so damn selective in what I'm looking for.

All they really ever seemed to do was offer a distraction from my own life because I'd just be absorbed into theirs. Besides maybe three guys I've dated, I've mostly done what someone else has wanted to do, hung out with their friends etc.
Being cheated on, breaking up: they were always terrible because it meant I had to go back inside my own head.

No one really gets to see or talk to the real me. It's just that persona I enjoy putting in public. That persona is a part of me but it's not entirely me.
I rarely wax political the way I'd like. I hardly if ever talk about gaming with guys who could be potential dating material.

Most guys don't seem to give a shit about the things I do, and if they do I generally don't find them physically pleasing.
If they do seem to hit both, there's usually some other underlying issue, be it psychological, career, school, money etc.

Maybe I'm just jaded.
I have my ideas what I want but I won't find it.
I refuse to just settle like I have time and time again.

Despite all this, I've been in a pretty chipper mood since January.

I remember what love felt like once; not just the love for ones close friends and family members either.
I guess I'm writing this because I'm afraid I'm not going to experience that ever again.
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[18 Feb 2012|03:54am]
This disease is cyclical.

I hardly write when I'm not having a down day.

It's strange how on 'good days' if I even try to think about dark thoughts they don't stay in my head long. I don't even know if it's a good day or if I just did a good enough job convincing myself to not think about anything.

I've become an expert at pretending nothing is wrong though; it's biting me in the ass pretty hard these days.
I think my childhood struggle of trying to be recognized and validated (while ultimately failing) makes it easier to just push it all to the back of my head, put on a smile and act like nothing is wrong.

I'm so far behind in everything these days.
Some days I look at having to be ruined as a chance for rebirth, but most of the time I just look at it as another reason to give up.

One method ruins this life for at least a good ten years. The other method makes right now even harder. Either way there's no win.

I want a distraction. I need to be saved.
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[08 Feb 2012|07:38pm]
I don't even know what to call this other than a realization that I seem to be giving up, caving in, tuning out.

I used to be a resilient person, grounded in what I thought was right and wrong and at one point a person who thought he had the shit it took to make a difference.

This has changed in the past few years. It hasn't be a sudden change but rather like someone took a small chisel to me and lightly chipped away. Occasionally I'd notice the nuisance but for the most part I just let it continue.

I flipped on the TV today for some background noise as I ate dinner. I'm bombarded with TV shows about pregnant teenagers, hyped-up drama of rich people with camera crews cleaning out the storage lockers of people who long since couldn't afford them or abandoned, and political coverage that tells me jackshit about the problems about this country and instead focus on which Republican candidate those polled would rather have as a cubicle mate.

Fuck this.
The whole world has become a distraction from real problems and I've fallen right into it. I've been chopped down enough to fit right in with every other non-sentient being. My life has become a series of distractions to try to forget how much it hurts to realize I breathe another day. I remember all the debts I owe. I brood on the fact I have no real outlet to get problems off my shoulders. Even medication is a temporary relief from the basic fact that I've never and most likely (there's that fucking annoying hope again) will never fit in to what this world is.

I'm not going to change this world. The best I can do is ride it out until old age, an accident or an illness finally take me. This world is hopeless and humanity doesn't deserve the gift of life.
God doesn't exist.

No God would allow this garbage to happen.
I'm a poor, second class citizen in the richest nation which only happens to get that title because those at the top hoard the fuck out of everything and look down their noses at those who have nothing.

I was born or raised with the ability to be very aware of my own situations, a mind apt at analysis and a memory that retains almost anything . With it comes self loathing, determined apathy and a lack of pleasure in almost everything I do.

I'm just sick of it. I can't stand it.

I can't live in a world with others like me where we care for each other. Instead I'm stuck in a world where if you have yours you can say 'fuck you' to everyone else and it's socially acceptable.
This world needs fire.
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[27 Jan 2012|11:09pm]
Song makes me cry just about every time I really listen to it but I guess it's a reminder that hopefully the most horrible time in my life will pass and things will get better.

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[22 Jan 2012|07:46pm]
Really all I fucking want is to be held by someone I put the time and effort in to giving a shit about them and told it will all be okay.

My life has been steadily going to shit in the past six months.

I don't understand how people are content when they're on their own.
I understand it's pretty much a facade when I'm in public, but I'd rather live under the mask than spend time staring at my own face.

I can't even show emotion for how fucking bad things are in my life. The only thing I show concern in is the fact that I have no concern for how horrible things have gotten. The amount of fucks I give about anything: 0.

It used to concern me that I didn't see any kind of future for myself.
It's concerned me that for the past two years I've thought of different ways to make those thoughts a reality.

I constant spew hate about people but when it comes down to it I'm exactly like the artificial beings I feel I can relate to: I envy their lives, their happiness, their bliss.
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[22 Jan 2012|04:42am]
It makes it better and worse that you think the same way I do.
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[10 Jan 2012|05:51pm]
1. A pill that makes me happy and optimistic for 6-10 hours
2. The only time I'm actually happy

It's unfortunate I can't have this shit running perpetually through my system, at least then my thoughts wouldn't instantly turn to the worst case scenario.

More to come in a friends only update. Add me if you're interested, or if you don't have an account just ask.
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Shit year recap [31 Dec 2011|10:11am]
I think I've done this every year for a while now.
Thanks to Adderall and the fact that I have nothing to do, here's what a horrible year looks like in twelve (or so) paragraphs! I'm basing this solely off what I wrote in entries in my LiveJournal, be they private or public. A lot of them are private entries but I still feel like I should include them.

I start the year out feeling horrible. "Love" (or 'hooray someone who wants to bang more than once') is found and lost and I realize what I'm looking for doesn't exist unless I can clone myself. I realize I hinge forgetting about depression on finding someone fix everything but that doesn't exist either.
I begin another semester at Millersville.
I start talking to Tony again because I'm a sucker for drama.

Drama drama drama but it's all for the lulz.

I'm guessing I was drunk all month because I never made a post.

I write down the meaning behind my tattoo and why I chose to finally get it. I write about my increasing anxiety and depression.
I start to come to terms with the fucked up shit I can do when I'm in manic states. My life doesn't really seem to upset me anyway, like I've become numb to a lot of shit.

I start dating an incredible guy and my brain and body instantly ruin it.
I total the car I worked hard to get a 0% interest rate on that was going to be paid off in a year. I recklessly lost control of my Cobalt and spun 180 degrees across three lanes of traffic, coming to a stop when the back of my vehicle hit the center road divider.
When I get home I can't even really cry. I tear up a bit when I call my parents and brother who are few hundred miles away, but that's about it.
Incredible guy sees my text/call when he gets off work and comforts me. I end up sleeping for a while.
My memory is notably beginning to deteriorate.
Suicidal thoughts increase.
I finish school and despite having my ass kicked by a Constitutional Law course taught by the best Professor I've ever had I pass all my classes (1 A, 2 B, 1 C).
The suicidal thoughts I hadn't felt since November of last year return.

I start dating Andrew, despite everything in my brain telling me that all I'm going to do is completely ruin the relationship and a friendship. We make it official while in Ocean City together with a few of his friends. I generally had a really good time with him and met some really great people.
I try to set goals to frequent the gym more often and try to find a job.
I work at Haydn Zugs for a week and realize I hate fine dining and people put in charge who drink on the job.
I'm able to buy the car I now make payments on, despite my lack of a job.

My brain begins to ruin things with Andrew.
Andrew and I decide it'd be better to just be friends.
I think my private entries during 2011 at this point have included " I'm too fucking smart/poor to resort to drugs and alcohol" a hundred times. It's pretty sad though. Addicts get to dump all their problems on everyone else. I just carry my problems on my own shoulders and feel horrible anytime someone gets involved.
I hit the lowest I've ever been at that point in my life when it comes to poverty.
My suicidal thoughts increase.

I start my current job at Ruby Tuesday's as a server thanks to my friend Scott.
Outside of work I slip further and further away from what it feels like to be a human.
I document what's bothering me mentally and physically: constant pressure in my head, persistent fatigue, anger issues, negativity, lack of interest in anything, the inability to actually relate with most people.
I begin another semester at Millersville.
I start talking to Mike.

I didn't write anything here but...
My birthday didn't feel too important and I mostly slept through it.
My depression worsens to a point where I no longer feel sad about things: I just feel apathetic.
The evolution in my condition, especially at home, does cause concern at times about my schoolwork.
My suicidal thoughts increase.

One entry dedicated to the realization of what my life is and what its become that devolves into an angry rant. I give up.
I remember how I used to feel when I was human. I don't know if I'm really ever going to feel like that again and it pisses me off.
My manic states cause me to do a lot of fucked up shit that I'm still not sure how I haven't had something horrible result from it. I'm becoming less and less in control of myself when I'm manic.
I begin taking Celexa for depression. While it worked to balance my thoughts it also tended to numb me a little to any kind of feeling, good or bad. While I hate my fits of anger, they tended to be my only connection feeling like a person because I could at least attach an emotion to something happening to me.
The sexual side effects of Celexa are grossly apparent. They're kinda great at first, then kind of funny, and then just excruciating. I remember when I used to enjoy sex. It's been a long time since I could say I had sustained satisfaction in the act. As of now it's highly situational. I feel like a goddamned female.
My suicidal thoughts increase.

My mind and memory further cloud. Schoolwork is next to impossible to complete and my focus while in classes is lower than it was while I was in high school.
I realize I need help but I can't afford it. I can't do this on my own but I can't get help either.
I reflect on the seven deadly sins we all carry and how my brain has successfully killed all but two.
I stop taking Celexa because I can't take what it was doing to me. Just before I stop taking it I go to the doctor to talk about my condition and get prescribed Adderall XR 20mg. I try to fill the prescription but realize my lack of insurance prices it at $180 for the generic. I give up trying to get better for a while.
My suicidal thoughts increase.

I go back to the doctor on the advice of a friend to get a prescription for the non-extended release version of Adderall. After a pointless visit to the doctor to get the prescription, I get a thirty day supply for $39.
I feel the most guilty I've ever been when it comes to my relationship with my parents, especially my mother. I feel as if I can't ask them for anything else after all they've done for me.
I publicly come out (here at least) that the only thought that went through my head during my car accident was "it's finally over".
I write what may be the most clear, thought out description of my thoughts and life thanks to Adderall. Writing it doesn't make me sad but it did feel like a bit of a weight off my shoulder putting what I carry with me every day out in a public forum.
I end up just worrying a lot of people.
My Adderall prescription focuses me to the point where I feel I could get shit done. I haven't really had an actual reason to be taking it (schoolwork, a real job) but when I'm taking it I feel more focus and determination. The kind of shit I had years ago.

In all I'm not happy.
The only thing that got me through this year are the incredible people I know. They're what connect me to humanity and who I value. It's when I'm around them I get to experience how I used to feel, how I used to be.
My brain does a pretty good job at trying to push everyone away. It's when I actually leave the house and reconnect that I can forget about everything.
Forgetting won't change things though and my attempts to change things either make no dent or just make matters worse.

I just don't know what to do, where to go.

Thanks for reading.
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